


Two Conversations (To Change A Life Or Two) by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek TOS AU
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pon Farr, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 08:38:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10356507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: This story is written as though, in the time Jim and Spock have known each other, enough time has passed for Spock to have been through three Pon Farr cycles. This might not be exactly true to canon, even though we know it’s true to the filming schedule/time elapsed between the series/making the first film/then, the rest of the films… On Feb 22nd, I added some lines to two paragraphs, to deal with background aspects of the story that have just occurred to me.It's a story about Jim and Spock wanting to be allowed to be together at last, now that they've retired...Categories: FictionCharacters: NoneCrossover Fandom: NoneGenres: NoneOther Languages: NoneStory Type: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, RomanceTrope (OPTIONAL): Pon FarrUniverse: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original UniverseWarnings: NoneSeries: NoneChapters: 1 Table of ContentsCompleted: Yes Word count: 3149 Read Count: 380





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written as though, in the time Jim and Spock have known each other, enough time has passed for Spock to have been through three Pon Farr cycles. This might not be exactly true to canon, even though we know it’s true to the filming schedule/time elapsed between the series/making the first film/then, the rest of the films… On Feb 22nd, I added some lines to two paragraphs, to deal with background aspects of the story that have just occurred to me.  
>    
>    
>    
> It's a story about Jim and Spock wanting to be allowed to be together at last, now that they've retired...
> 
> Categories: Fiction  
> Characters: None  
> Crossover Fandom: None  
> Genres: None  
> Other Languages: None  
> Story Type: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance  
> Trope (OPTIONAL): Pon Farr  
> Universe: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original Universe  
> Warnings: None  
> Series: None  
> Chapters: 1 Table of Contents  
> Completed: Yes Word count: 3149 Read Count: 380

There were two conversations key to their relationship. One had happened back on-board Enterprise.

McCoy had poured them drinks, probably to get them to talk – although, of course, Spock was practically immune to alcohol from the planet Earth.

It had brought forth a conversation about Jim’s choice(s), thus far, in life, of a romantic partner. Of course it had. McCoy wasn’t stupid.

“I have considered making other choices.” Jim had said. “Yet, if I went for something ‘new’, something different, what good would it do right now; life as it is and all?”

The talking had gone on for a while, until Bones had excused himself from the room, saying that Jim and Spock should carry on all this healthy conversation.

As they had a few days without the burden of duty ahead of then; Enterprise booked in to orbit around Earth for maintenance – some hours later, and a sleep period intervening, Spock was actually the one who came to Jim’s Quarters to talk further.

“We cannot do anything about it, Jim. Duty. The chain of Command… And, might it not be precisely because I am ‘new’ and different?” He asked.

Jim couldn’t help but glare somewhat, at his friend. “Vulcans and humans are not that new to each other, by now, in any sense of the word. New, or different.” He looked into Spock’s eyes. “And, there’s more to it than that, I assure you.”

_ _ _ _

 

The second conversation key to Spock and Jim’s relationship, was almost a lifetime later. (It would, later, lead to a third conversation that shaped their future as well.)

“We’re retired now, Spock. We have no reason to live like this anymore.” Jim stood in front of Spock, who had come to see him at his apartment.

“Don’t we?” Spock asked. “There are still enemies of the Federation who might question our Command decisions in light of the news that we have been in love for years. What if a grieving relative of one of our crew, were to ask the same kinds of questions?”

“Then, we know what the outcome would be, because we know that we have always behaved impeccably. Always. We would have to have faith.” Jim answered.

“I can have faith –in you, Jim.” Spock moved forward slightly, and looked into Jim’s eyes, wanting to reach out and hold his hands, too.

“But?” Jim queried, knowing there was more.

“A relationship between us would also mean that, every seven years, I would have to ben unfaithful, just so that I could carry on living with you throughout the rest of our time.” Spock continued.

“I know this already.” Jim added in.

“Perhaps, we could deal with it when we both had the Ship and its crew as our responsibility. Yet, now? I’m not just asking, would you be strong enough? I am asking myself, would I be strong enough? It could undermine our relationship.” Spock paused. “I have never wanted any other gender of partner but male, and yet, when I am going through Pon Farr, my body can somehow always tell when there is no chance of Procreation occurring, and so, Pon Farr is not dealt with, does not get resolved, until I have either been with a female of my own or a compatible species, or a male capable of child bearing, from another race. Or, the third gender of Vulcan. My first Pon Farr was dealt with by the fact that it went further on in to the process, and became a fight of the Blood fever. My second, brought on by the circumstances of being affected by the Genesis Device’s field, was answered by the sexual content initiated by Saavik, who is a member of the third gender. My third Pon Farr, I discovered that my Pon Farr asked a partner capable of procreating with me, of me. I had found a male, back home. I realised it likely that a male partner might not be enough for my body to recognise the answering signature it required biologically, but I could not help but hope – because I was emotional at that stage, and unable to get past the fact that I have never wanted to be with anyone but a fellow male. It is the male form I find attractive in the sexual sense. I have rarely tried to attempt to find a woman sexually attractive, and I have never, truly, achieved it. So, I pursued a male to have sex with - and yet, of course, for the Pon Farr, he was not enough. I had to go to the Healers. They found me a female. What we did, did not lead to any conception, but it did apparently inform my Pon Farr that it was time for it to go away at last.”

“Third gender? That is a real thing then – that Vulcans exist whom are, factually speaking, classed as a third gender?” Jim asked. He’d heard something of the fact that this was the case for Vulcans, but…

“There is a third gender of Vulcan. Some look entirely male, at least when fully clothed. Some, when fully clothed, look like nothing but a fully female Vulcan. However, the third gender is, regardless, of whether, to the rest of us, they look entirely male or entirely female, actually ‘made up’ of both genders.” Spock informed Jim. “There really are very few outward signs that they are any different. Mostly, there double gender status is ‘hidden’ internally. I am male. I have always only ever been attracted to males, or people of that third gender; the ones whom appear mostly male. This is another reason why I find Pon Farr so awful. It always makes me have to go with someone else, someone who’s not even the right gender for me to fancy them.” Spock used the human word slowly but correctly, he knew, and then, he continued to speak his thoughts just as honestly. “Though, obviously, a member of Vulcan’s third gender, of the kind who appear more male than female, is easier for me to accept; I have, sometimes, tried to find a female I like enough to enjoy being with at times of sexual intercourse. Yet, never did I find one, in those years when I looked, whom, outside of my times within Pon Farr, I could like and enjoy enough to complete the sexual act. Some other Vulcans might say that sex outside of those times when Pon Farr is upon a person’s biology, is unnecessary. Some would blame the need for sex at times other than when my life depends upon it, is due to my Human D.N.A, but that is, as you say, a whole other conversation, for another day. I have often, in the past, that is; thought that finding a female might make my life easier; to find the one woman in all the worlds whom I am actually truly sexually attracted to. I did hope that might be possible, during one period of my life. It is not something I entertain any idea of these days.” Spock made sure he mentioned that truth before speaking another. “I have also looked into being with a member of Vulcan’s third gender group.” Spock mused. “However, it is still true to say; I have never yet been with whom I’ve, for decades now, most deeply wished to be with - during times of my Pon Farr, or any other period of sexual intimacy.” Spock admitted. “You. For a long time now, it’s you, Jim, that I’ve needed, most deeply.” Spock confessed. “And, yet, with that already being a truth, I still fought you until I thought you were dead, when the Blood Fever blinded me.”

“I was not dead. I was unconscious.” Jim soothed Spock. “That was enough for you to stop – mere unconsciousness, the second it happened. If you’d looked closer, you would have been able to tell that I was still alive. As would T’Pau. Yet, McCoy made sure he stepped in. You didn’t beat me to a pulp. Just the one moment of me appearing dead, one moment of you not so readily being able to feel my pulse, was enough for you to stop. You were that tuned in to me. You didn’t continue to beat my unresponsive body, lost in the moment, to make sure of my death, and your survival. You backed off – shock still able to reach you, to cut through such intensity in mere seconds.” Jim sat there, simply stroking Spock’s hands, looking into this eyes, for ages, before the moment came when either of them could speak again, or be ready to continue their conversation. “What if it were possible for me to undergo treatments, every seven years, to coincide with the time of your Pon Farr? Hormone or pheromone treatments, so that we could fool your body into thinking I’m someone of this third gender?” Jim asked. He could hear the jibes that some might come up with, laughing about the Great Womaniser Captain Kirk finally being emasculated - and on a regular basis, for his first officer, no less - BUT Jim was secure enough to know who he was, realise his manhood, and not give a damn. He hoped that Spock realised that he was truly okay with this, and would not suffer the jibes of any fool.

Spock held Jim’s nearest hand then, and felt Jim’s other hand, automatically, touch his hands. “It might not be something that you can step in and out of, Jim. It could be something that once undertaken, affects your body lastingly. Or, it might only work if done on a more permanent basis. You and I wouldn’t want that for you. You’re happy in the body that you’re in, and you’ve already, once, long ago, had to deal with the possibility of losing it. ” Spock replied. “I couldn’t ask that, or anything similar, of you, again. I have no right. It might not be something that you can step in and out of, Jim. It could be something that once undertaken, affects your body lastingly. Or, it might only work if done on a more permanent basis. You and I wouldn't want that for you. You're happy in the body that you're in, and you've already, once, long ago, had to deal with the possibility of losing it. " Spock replied. "I couldn't ask that, or anything similar, of you, again. I have no right. Any change in your hormone levels, it might also affect your ability to such things as get an erection. "

 

"I know that I might face a lot." Jim answered. "Yet, we don't know if my hormones would need meddling with that much. I know that hormones and pheromones are linked, even if I acknowledge that I'm no expert, but pheromone signatures must be fake-able these days - and the most important component to 'getting it up' is blood flow." Jim paused." We could look into it the possibilities of me getting some kind of treatment to help you. I'm not willing to give up on the idea. It might be possible, and it would be my choice; what I want." Jim was still pondering aloud. "Treatments don't always have to last forever. I'm not taking this lightly, Spock. It's not just another new, different challenge."

“I wasn’t thinking that again.” Spock assured, noting that they were still holding one another.

“I know.” Jim promised. “I can tell.”

“That’s something else that might be affected. Mind melds between us, and our bond, in the Vulcan sense of the word. The Bond. If your body’s hormones and pheromones are changed, the bond, the melds, could pick up on that – and you would suddenly become even more compatible – thus, the Bond, and any melds, would likely go deeper.” Spock explained. “You could cope with it, I believe, but it would feel even more prevalent and profound.”

“This is all something that we should, maybe, be asking for Medical advice about – from Vulcan Healers, and human doctors. One in particular.” Jim fathomed.

“McCoy would not like anything that put you in unnecessary, or further, risk. He would be right to be of that opinion.” Spock stated, blatantly honest.

“Bones had always been a proponent of us getting together. He has always wanted this happiness for us.” Jim told Spock.

“Not at any kind of risk to you.” Spock reiterated. He had been thinking of another path in the latter path of this conversation. “The answer might be that I am to be the one to go through hormonal treatment, pheromone treatment. Perhaps, even, a certain, contained, level of gender-re-assigment.”

“That’s a massive step for you to take.” Jim answered.

“Yet, my body would then be compatible with yours for the purposes of procreation, and the Pon Farr should be able to sense that. It is actually the case that it’s likely that, due to my hybrid status, I couldn’t help a partner to conceive a child - and yet, although it can somehow ‘tell’ about my choice of partner’s gender, my Pon Farr cannot apparently tell that my chances of helping any partner to conceive are low, even if supposedly possible. If I were to have treatments, or even, internal, ‘femme’ gender implants, then, that might change things enough for body and brain chemistry at times of Pon Farr, to recognise you as an all-important compatible partner. I would still be mostly male even if I were to be made into a member of the third gender. That much gender re-assigment might not even be necessary, if the types of occasional treatments you mentioned undergoing for my sake, were enough, were I to be the one to undergo them instead.” Spock told Jim.

“Yes, but you must let me ask the Healers as well. It might be easier on my body for it to go through a short course of injections every seven years, than it would be for you to put your body through that – especially considering that your body will be going through Pon Farr consecutively. Your Pon Farr, looking for specific bio-chemical signatures, may be able to tell that your biology is being somewhat changed, and then, things might get ever tougher for you. Your Pon Farr should not be able to tell that my body has ever been anything other than what it is presented as in the moment, should it?” Jim queried. “We’ve never yet fully consummated the act of sex. Would your body somehow retain knowledge of what mine is, outside of your times of Pon Farr; if we were to have sex during those times as well as during times inside Pon Farr?” Jim found himself confused by his own words, but he knew what he was trying to say, and figured that Spock could decipher it also.

“I do not think my body can retain such a signature, outside of my mind. That is to say, my mind might sense differences, but retain them?” Spock questioned. “If it did, retain them, would they have an effect on the biochemistry of my Pon Farr?” He pondered. “What we will have to check, is how much any pheromone or hormone manipulation, might change your mind.” Spock paused, considering it further. “If treatments changed your mind chemically in any way, our ability to mind meld might be, to a small degree, affected; and, even though this should not, in turn, mean that anything is recognised as different by the Pon Farr itself, we should, indeed, ask if there is a vague possibility of it. Since the only way in which Pon Farr affects a mind meld, to my knowledge, is in the sense that it will make my emotions come through to you in a manner less controlled. So, we should be able to partake in pheromone treatments of the body without fearing the Pon Farr – because it does not recognise emotional signatures themselves, per se. – though obviously, I would still ask for confirmation of my understanding.”

“I would love you no matter what – even if it’s decided that neither of us can put ourselves through any of this – I will still love you, Spock – even if we’re back to ‘just’ enduring my having to hand you over to someone else every seven years.” Jim promised.

Spock did not speak for a while. He simply held on to Jim. Eventually, he started to talk again. “When my parents first got together, they too were unsure that they would be enough, together, to combat Pon Farr. It’s not as though I’ve heard them talk of this fact. Yet, I do know of it. When they got together, they were the first. No one knew if Vulcan men and human females were at all compatible for procreation purposes. Not back then. At first it was thought that there was a chance that my father would have to return to his ex-wife. His wife, who, actually, had been the one to leave him; the Priestess. Sybok’s mother. For the sake of Pon Farr, they could have still had to associate every seven years. Either that, or my father would have had to find someone else, just as the Priestess already had.” Spock paused. “And my mother’s resolve would have been sorely, and repeatedly, tested.”

“Things worked out for your Mom and Dad!” Jim smiled. “We have to try and have faith, my love.”

“Ashaya.” Spock mentioned the word, in relation to Jim, for the first time.

Jim knew what that word must mean. It brought tears to his eyes to hear Spock be so open with him. “We cannot give up, Spock. This is our chance. I want you.” He pledged.

“And I want you, Jim.” Spock confided in him. “I even go as far as saying this; the truth is that I believe us to be T’hy’la.”

Jim smiled lovingly, and in both awe and gratitude about all that Spock was confiding. “My soulmate, we have to have faith that we can now have one another in every aspect of the ways in which we've always wanted to belong together, looking, at last, to no one else. It's true to say that we've always needed each other." Jim confessed. "Almost from the very first moment we met, I knew I had, and I still do have, a thing about you. I've come to know that that thing is love."

“We must have faith, since I am certain that we’ve both known, for at least a decade, what we mean to each other.” Spock said, feeling so moved to kiss Jim. Did he dare? Should he dare, even now, before they knew for certain that they could truly take this the step further that they wished to?

The End..?  
20.2.16/ Editting on 21st & 22nd Feb 2016


End file.
